freakin' twenty O eight!

goodbye 2008, hello mellow 2009..

certainly O eight was not a good one. lotsa hard crash. more downs than dawn. more grey. here are dedications, straight up to series on unwanted incidents.
1. health - not! i got seriously sick
2. wealth - not! finished my saving due to uneployment period.
3. got new job, new environment, new experience which later becomes cognitive disonance.
4. dumped even trying hard. like i love u forever, i cannot accept dis forever
5. met long lost friends. really quite a number. thanks dude..
6. being JackS and still..
7. i feel like Akon song rite now
8. troubled with couple of car crashes
9. being too deep..saddest n down to the most among all
10. WDF with dis year?
11. i'm alone in the office at the moment..dammit

good year good bye?

first entry to my so called diary.. haha
a wrap up of events from twenty O eight
dammit.. not a gud one
not a good year i guess..

holiday medley of feelings

long holiday. supposed i could finish up my so called writing within this period but guess what? for the past 5 days, i just wondering around, sleeps n more sleeps. damn! n tomorrow gonna back to work carrying the same loads n pressure.

felt like the biggest loser. caused i lost everything once i thought i owned which not. what tha fuck?

i received 600 free SMSes from the telco 2 weeks ago..thanks dude.. i tried extremely hard to finish them up n today i made it!! yeay..

being the JackS since, i've been a totally boring dude..everyday will be the same routine. the damn boring routine. in fact sometimes the JackS dude do felt like being a total asshole.. yes, JackS does!! n sorry to say to all, JackS still have the feeling.. the same feeling. the same deep as before.. why? because there's nothing JackS can do bout it. yes..JackS still love u.. call me an asshole or moron but to my dear friends, that is just how JackS feels. n it wont go that easy.. na ah!

found n met a long lost friend. L had been a companion for the last 5 days. one of the reason how i managed to finished my 600 SMSes..haha. lotsa to catch up but time wouldn't let us.. n the freebies finished liaow..btw thanks dude..

its been quite a holiday. things to do but i don't. lots n lots of sleeps. ahh....

what a 5 days. christmas. cousin's wedding which i didn't go. Muslim's new year. MZ new branch's opening. went to club since so long ago that i couldn't remember the last time. crash in front of TV for the rest of the day. tiring man.. n another new year is just around the corner but guess i wouldn't have any plan..

once JackS told will settle down by the end of the year (but which year?). again the same question pop-out yesterday by another long lost friend. n the same answer given. haha. but a statement made by other that makes me wonder. how could u settle down by end of the year (even donno which year), if you'll be alone (dumped) on every year end? dats make sense.. does make me thought of chocking him off!!

a medley of feelings. a series of incidents. as tiring as usual. the feeling to the same.. to the same usual suspect.

dearie dairy daily diary

i bought a diary yesterday.. wow! what am i thinking? this is certainly not me..

its not that having diary is a bad thing but the question is,
why? why i bought a diary as i'm not a constant writer..
how? how come i bought a diary instead of a meal.
what? what the hell is happening as this isn't me..
when? when does this thingy started..invasion of self mind
who? whom should i dedicate this diary..should i? not!

wastage? improper conduct? unnecessary?
damn u JackS!!

Dude...where's my pills?

ones in fact two asked me today.. "Dude, are you ok?" or "Dude, you look sick..". Question: do sick dude looks sick? how should i answer to that? thousand (lying) of answers playing in mind.. if i answer like this, there'll be another one. the same if i answer like that! huh..
If i answer like..

scenario 1:
Dude, are you ok?
i'm fine thank you..
Why are you not looks like one?
(this could go on and on....pergh..)

scenario 2:
Dude, you look sick
am i? no lah..
Yes you are dude.. you have the looks
did i? is it?
Yeah.. your..(still, things keep on coming...cis)

so, how should i? a nod plus with fake smile? in fact, the same face i faced on the mirror..btw, do i look sick? am i? is it? and the most important is, am i sick?

off day..watch-out JackS!!!!

free of work for a day would made my day.. is it? for some maybe but not me.. not today. and certaintly not tomorrow or three-morrow.. people keep asking "why JackS, why?" i wanna believe that i have the answer.. NOT!

diagnosed with illness is definately not my cup of tea but yet that's what they told. "JackS, what had you done?" "JackS, what happened?""JackS, how could this happened?" "JackS, are you sure?" "JackS, JackS, JackS and JackS!!!!". ohh... its just gonna make me sick even more.. feels like jackhammered.. a virus, infectivity, contagion, infections!

realizing and to accept. thought these were a tough task to do but keeping it clandestine is far more tougher and challenging. it wont take long for someone to enquire, but JackS gotta do what JackS gotta do..guess it how it should..

i've been guessing a lot didn't i?

i have a dream..

for once, i had a dream..for once, i had dreamt of my dream.dreaming of my dream..waiting for it to be seen..but then..

knock! knock!

who's there?

its reality..

reality who?

reality check u moron!! u've been dreaming all these while!!

cis..if only..

freedom to choose

i am amazed! shocked! surprised? impressed? (i may not get the exact word) by how people chose their path in life. is there any criteria to be check on? or its just follow the rule of heart?
yet my expression above wont get me the answer.

all i noticed n learned is you are the boss of yourself. the king of your own kingdom. the kingdom of your mind. you are the boss! the one who call the shot!

you have the fredom to choose. fredom to do, whatsoever you wanna do. its all up to you. its your choice. its your life! doesn't matter what other says. since when does it (others) count?

doesn't meant once you go bad you can't never go back! doesn't mean once you decide you can never turn back! is it everybody that bad? that bad that you rather stick on your wrong path, wrong choice in life and live your life in misery?

i know dats my door is always open. i know my hands are wide open. i know my self well. and i know whats my choice!!

i choose .............

jack with an S..

as many of you watched Friends before (since the sitcom ended), for those who had been a hardcore viewer might remember this scene. a part where Joey had to cover the relationship between Chandler and Monica; for whatever they are doing..hahaha. and the infamous tag line from him that time, "well, i'm Joey, i'm disgusting"..remember?

it somewhat had reflected to me since my previous conversation with a friend of mine. (thanks miss TMT for mention it..haha). but it's not to the extent of what had Joey did in Friends but sort of..

the part where people who are being used and left, and still being used. but yet still, keeping it as a favour (not keeping it with the Kardashian)..for no matter what, used people is still being used!! dropped and left behind, but when it comes for help or anything, it would be a favor from the used guy. TMT even mentioned, hey, stop being a jackass!! well, it does rings some bells in my head. giving me such loud sounds, buzzing in and out. again still, its a favour. guess the feeling is yet so strong still that nothing could change it! yet, hope it yet..donno..

later if other mention the same, guess i'm gonna give the same answer.. well, i'm hadi, i'm a jackass..!!

aku mau...please

please dear....couldnt erase..dowan to
i wanna be..for the only..
for the sake of "us".. ours..

you could ignore me
denying my existence
but it wouldn't change my feeling
on you

i'm certain there'll be a moment
everything to happen
you'll love me
and never ever let go

i wanna be by your side
loving your flaws
ready to cheer you always
for whatever happen
promise i'll be there

you could evade me away
but i believe
you'll love me
and never let go

i wanna be by your side
loving your flaws
i'm who willing be hurt
for the past

sudden? shock! why? try..

just as sudden! what a sudden! such a suddden shock! what a shock!
things change. keep on changing. ongoing process. on and on again.
i wonder why. in our much praise and anticipated life, these so called sudden changes happened. i do understand, as time goes by, things change. as time goes by, peoples change. the thing that wonder me the most while i'm wandering is that how sudden these thing could happen. it could be to anyone.
keyword = sudden.
why is it so sudden? while there's no warning alarm such a tsunami siren in Japan, you'll be left blank and wondering what had just happened? then later you realized that everything is over. done deal. finish. the end. stop sign. a dot in front of your face. while nothing you could do. to overcome them it was too late yet neither chance for redemption nor corrective action. for any errors.
is it a fair deal when you encounter such terrible yet horrible change? you start to lose, your routines, casualties, the "usuals" and could it be your mind, maybe? the unexpected sudden which i personally couldnt handle.
guess kenny, remy, martin had taught us before by their song "suratan atau kebetulan". if you guys still remember the initial lyrics "sesuatu yang tak disangka, seringkali mendatangi kita". those from late Gen X'ers and early Gen Y'ers would probably know this song.
is there any way to stop these things? any way to handle them? anything that can be done? any how to deal with? or is that just it?
again, i wonder why we should stop trying. life is all about trial and error. you never know whats gonna happen next but at least things in front of you, right in front of your face could be much appreciated. grateful. plan and keep on trying. no matter how much time and space you had wasted. it will never be a waste in life if you keep on trying. tired of trying? that just mean that we dont try that hard. till when? till we reach our goals. till we step on our objectives. till we are on the next phase of our lives. till we become the most determined we could ever be. life..

all time favourites

My all time favorites. Not just by me but others too.. I wonder how, why, so much memories vanished in between but I rather stick to you coz you have been, you are still, and you will always be my.. my all time favorites.. It is you..

Tell me when you will be mine
Tell me quando quando quando
We can share a love divine
Please don’t make me wait again

When will you say yes to me (when will you say yes to me)
Tell me quando quando quando (tell me quando quando quando)
You mean happiness to me (you mean happiness to me)
Oh my love please tell me when

Every moment’s a day (every moment’s a day)
Every day seems a lifetime (everyday it seems like a lifetime)
Let me show you the way (let me show you the way)
To a joy beyond compare

I can’t wait a moment more
Tell me quando quando quando (tell me quando quando quando)
Just say it’s me that you adore
And then darling tell me when

Now every moment’s a day (every moment’s a day)
Every day seems a lifetime
Let me show you the way (let me show you the way)
To a joy beyond compare

I can’t wait a moment more (I can’t wait a moment more)
Tell me quando quando quando
Say it’s me that you adore
And then darling tell me when

Oh my darling tell me when
And then darling tell me when
Oh my darling tell me when...

shit!..oops..shoot!!! (trying still)

shit! shittier than the shittest!!
only those would come out..damn..dammit.. damned u? sort of..

what the hell? jst cant tell. cut the crap. u crap bag..
the pain in the arse..wont fit even for gas.
the same ol' path. the same ol' grass. knocked me to lick them up. f**ked up!

create me a story. a fairytale maybe. so dat i could fly up. out of this muddy banks.
nothing would change. the final say with full determination. beggin' down thru my knees. hoping for sun shine thru my sky. my dark blue sky. seems gray wasnt the favourite no more.

lost in translation. lost in absolute isolation. the only island in mind. crashed and sink to the deepest ocean of hell.

its hard to be nice. harder to be better. but whats with the world. couldnt fit without anger? rage to control. face to be fixed. to be the new or its enuff just a mix?
seems the world still aint ready for dat.

to be wrong is totally not! but nice isnt an option. which path should i took? shoot!!
how could i face? the next without trail. the one planned since the start. the one which hope to blast. and now i'm the last. left, passed yet to be forgotten. what da &%=#! (toooot....)

am i just gonna wait, bleed n suffer? again? nobody wants dat! hopeless dream out from sleep. yet nightmare is waiting to say "hi there, alone eh? lets be friend, shall we?" what?
hopeless..miss..yet lost..

miss..mess..misrable.

the lost i felt. the emptiness. sorrow..sorry cannot be borrow.
what am i thinkin? what am i doin? not am but had! its a done deal? dowan to be dat way..
dowan to deal wit dat again. had enuff!
the path was too painfull..tired n sickening! cis..

but what now? whats next? i couldnt face it. not again. i was defeated! again? hate it when it happen.

lost, lust, miss..too much..too late? sad..why? the most inconvenient period. the lowest i could be.

dammit. i cant handle it no more. 2 days but i'm already in mess. what does this called? broke? think so, yes..! to whom to? for what should?

miss..mess..misrable.
to be or being or had been?

this thingy strikes back!!! but still me not a fan..

ZODIAC 2009

Born in: 1922 1934 1946 1958 1970 1982 1994 2006

Personality

Honest , faithful and possessing deep loyalty and responsibility. Can be magnanimous and prosperous, yet also guarded and defensive, never really relaxed despite outer calm. She has a glib tongue, practical and realistic. The

Dog is also trustworthy and generous to people and has a deep sense of justice.

This maybe the most likable sign of all in the Chinese cycle. A person born in the year of the Dog is honest, intelligent and straightforward. He has a deep sense of loyalty and a passion for justice and fair play. A dog native is usually animated and attractive and will exude sex appeal. Generally amiable and unpretentious, he will know how to get along with others as he is not too demanding. The egalitarian dog likes to meet others halfway, is always willing to listen to reason and can be counted on to do his share.

For a friend, you must know that whenever you are in trouble, all you have to do is dial D-O-G. For no matter how much he or she complains, scolds, feign indifference, the Dog person cannot ignore a real call for help. At times, the dog protects the interests of others more avidly than his own. The Dog often sticks to his object of affection no matter how unworthy the person is. You don't find a dog leaving home just because he discovers that his master has the proverbial feet of clay. He makes allowances for such frailties and will probably stick it out thick or thin.

The Dog likes: Routine, Challenges, Friends, Presents, Travel, Food, Play and Nature

The Dog dislikes: Mistreatment, Fakes, Discomfort, Rudeness, Dishonesty, Hunger and Anger

Compatible Animals: Tiger, Rabbit, Horse

Your Luck In Year 2009

Overall Forecast

Many lucky stars favour you this year. Nonetheless there also appear dark forces at work to undermine your successes. Thus, walk your path with caution, mindfulness and wisdom. Keep to your business and avoid all sorts of gossiping. Never dabble with extra-marital affairs. Be on constant preparation for the uncertain, as it will be a tremendous challenge for you. Face it with a positive mindset.

A favourable year to acquire properties or to move house. Tame internal conflicts in anticipation of challenges due to clinching of business deals. Improve your relations with others. Beware of sexual and business plots against you.

Career

A very smooth and favourable year for career and work progress. Increase in business volume, coupled with your creativity and ingenuity, results in speedy advancement in career. Be mindful of your words and where teasing should be done with awareness of how the others will feel. Else you will be ostracized. Maintain a good relation with your superior.

Love

A very favourable affinity with the opposite gender can sparks romance. Singles should get to know each other better once they found a target. Couples blissfully enjoy each other’s company yet there are vile persons interfering. Avoid one nightstand, as they will cause you much sorrow and trouble.

Wealth

Wealth star shines high and the vault opens with welcoming hand. There is investment gains and good wealth inflow. Grab the chance to purchase properties or to start a business. Be vigilant with regard to your finances and do not be greedy with gambling luck. Caution against robbers and thieves by keeping valuables out of sight. Secure your home well.

Health

Reduce intake of alcohol. A neutral health constitution requires adequate exercise. Caution against danger cause by lust; exercise your discretion. Take note of blood pressure and rheumatism problems. Keep yourself warm and do not climb high.

multi invasion..!!! spooky spooky..

being paid in organisation that located next to world central of attraction (in your dream!) had given me much opportunity to observe and met lotsa people n things. different sizes, variety of colours, multi-racial and beliefs, thousand of sounds, mingling around as neither to be put on blame nor trust. culture & art collides, musics & noises crashes, screeching tyres & honkin' buzz. the runaway for the business exec to geeky thick spect computer whizkid, to misrable bankers and beggars and crazies. not to forget the crime fighters, immigrants (mostly illegal i think) and auties (shopping for raya).

i've ramped with the crazies and beggars couple of times. since i'm local, i might know most of the tactics and their so called modus operandi.
-one who would sings for money..terribly (man, i just hope its rain so the show'll stop! reminds me of gud ol' days - those singers r way much better!!)
-one who will sit n sleep till someone pick them up. waiting for coins n notes drop to their hat or case. some says its a syndicates.
-one who sells stuff for money (some r good stuff & some not)..
-one who mindly monopolised by outside culture. they will dress n play instruments from other places n play.
-"david copperfied wannabe"- these people getting the biggest crowd.hehe. since DC came only once in malaysia. the next generation we only have Mawi performing his tricks but you gotta pay for his show. this is free man.hahahaha
-fortune seller. one who selling your fortune in envelope. this meant for tail-footer (kaki ekor). and some would still believe and gave their money. i donno whether it works or not!
-and even a freak show..circus show (foreign juggling)
-n lots more..hahaha..i couldn't even remember all..me no mobile computer memory card.

well, dats local.since the place been upgraded & renovated, so does the patrons!! seems "Malaysia" and abbriviated kuala lumpur "KL" are not applicable anymore. especially this particular location.hahaha..full of foreigners who imigrate or permanant resendentially migrate! you'll listen to losta version of our used to proudly be "bahasa malaysia". previously we heard BM in different dialects from all over Malaysia (kelantanese & t'ganus or east coast BM, northern style BM, N9 BM n not to forget borneos BM). but now? african flava BM! south indian BM(bangladeshi, nepalis, etc)! arabic taste BM!..hahaha.some would make us laugh but seriuosly, we are losing the originality.. "tabik spring" to them who can learnt our language in such short period!!! i don't think we malaysian can do dat..hahahaha.

and crime-wise? here should be safe for everybody mainly locals, but not anymore.. na ah!! locals are afraid of their own grown.funny eh? because these so called invasion..sad, scary but its true. not saying i'm racist or whatsoever. not saying i hate these people just the environment of unsecured smelled humid!

i've bumped into local beggars. dats normal. as one day, in front of hire-me organisation, one guy came to me ask for money. it just at the right timing since i just back from the auto-teller money giver. telling me story of he'd been pick pocketed and he got work interview and so on. he even on tears (donno true or fake) telling he got yelled by people of his own race for the same reason(ask help for money). then i gave RM10 to him even he asked for rm100 for police report n bank statement whatever i dowan to know anymore..promised to paid back but as usual you know when people doesn't so i don't give a damn..

funny things happened today whereby a 'mat salleh' ask me for rm10. what? not seems like a so-called "pow" thing coz he asked me nicely.i said no and he walk thru. dats just it. even we've foreign beggars here? common man..how do they end up here without any money? left? stolen? go report with the crime fighter lah! not asking me money. i'm not money laundrer who making millions. some would bring their small kids as an "added value" for gaining patrons sympathy. hah! you wanna money, you gotta earn it!
they come invaded the space and asking easy favor for survival. since malaysian are rich so no problem lah! hahaha..

thing is, it can be called a multi-invasion, cramped packed with external loads. hahaha...

invasion invasion..

the protector!!

am not a fan of these modjo horoscopics thingy..but what the heck? Me..the protector.. hahahaha... just for fun!

CAPRICORN - The Go-Getter (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be Good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimistic. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be Unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they Want.

AQUARIUS - The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friend ly and loyal. Can seem unemotional.. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality.

PISCES - The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative. May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful.

ARIES - The Daredevil (Mar 21 - April 19)
Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (Easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit. Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic.

TAURUS - The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20) Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings that are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulge themselves ofte n. Very generous..

GEMINI - The Chatterbox (May 21 - June 20) Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable But needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken. Like change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent. Beautiful physically and mentally.

CANCER - The Protector (June 21 - July 22)
Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic.

LEO - The Boss (July 23 - Aug 22)
Ve ry organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Like boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help Others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy.. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leos. Attractive.

VIRGO - The Perfectionist (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Dominant In relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic.

LIBRA - The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible.
SCORPIO - The Intense One (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long Relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and Emotional.

SAGITTARIUS - The Happy-Go-Lucky One (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Good-natured optimist. Peter Pan syndrome (doesn't want to grow up). Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out.

trust.wont.last.just.lust.in.past.so.does.in.dust.

trust is granted not asked. you grant someone with trust means you believed in them. but what happen if the trust won't last? what if that person broke and breech the trust? is there gonna be second chance? or simply "Strike Three!! You're Out!!!"

have you ever award someone wit one, but yet it still not 100%. not fully awarded. its not dat i dowan to but..some painful memories made me to. from wat i've learnt, security...the desire for protection..from pain & broken heart. the social needs from the famous Maslow's Hierarchical Needs Theory.

for me, trust is like a pole..for a heart@friendship or any tier you up to..the stronger the trust, the stornger the pole..vice versa. first time caught cheating @ lies...chances granted but still the pole weaken and so on it goes.. till the time when you had given up hope, and totally surrender to the Almighty..for watever gonna..like shiela on 7 "berhenti berharap"...

don't it make my brown eyes blue

just love it..crystal gayle

don't know when i've been so blue
don't know what comes over you
you've found someone new
and don't it make my brown eyes blue

i'll be fine when you're gone
i'll just cry all night long
say it isn't true
and don't it make my brown eyes blue

tell me no secrets, tell me some lies
give me no reasons, give me alibis
tell me you love me and don't me cry
say something but don't say goodbye

i didn't mean to treat you bad
didn't know just what i had
but honey, now i do
and don't it make my brown eyes (blue)

never tot i went through it..again..

Used to be the most determined. For whatever obstacles, I would and will try to overcome. I believe in as long as I have the desires to reach my goals, then I won’t stop trying. I’ll wait as long as it took. The most patient I can be.

All critics should be constructive. Should be taken that way. Nothing should come on my way. Nothing could stop me till I want to. Nothing can bring me down, knocked me hard to the grass or I’ll comeback with better and greater will.

That’s how it should be. But what had happened? What just happened? What am I now? Who am I now? Do I still the same which I don’t think so?

Everything is blur. Uncertainty is clouding me. The path I took, the one I thought the best, the trail I followed. The lost is where I am. The haze that distort my vision.
To whom should I go?

To whom should I plead? Am I gonna be left? And bleed? Again? Wounded and crippled. No string to attach, no stick to support, no light to follow. Blow in glow. Lost in me. The game that thought it’s me. No mission with no vision. Again? Cry without tears? Terror without fear? Can I go though? Again? The same old path? The same old lust? I’m lost! In the game on me..

death escape? how great...

We have seen in news or magazines; true story of people escaping from death. Getting into the most disastrous incidents which they managed to escape, either with little injuries or severe one, even some without a scar on their body. But still, they were able to keep their breath, surviving the worst, and proceed to the next phase of life. That is life miracle or maybe we could put it as being lucky. How lucky we can be? And how grateful those people are after being one?

I know that I’m grateful. It not likes John Cusack being grateful to all the air, the leaves, trees, etc while treating his depression in ‘American Sweetheart’. In the movie, John is in treatment of his broken heart melancholy and asked to be thankful for everything.

Mine are something like that, but it’s not of the wreck-ness of feeling or emotion. I’m grateful because I’m still alive today, breathing and free to sing or run. Just to mention that I’ve experienced the escape route from (not to say death la) severe injuries. I might not be writing this post if it were to happen. I even couldn’t live the memory if I’m to be deleted.

It happens yesterday afternoon, Thursday, July 10^th, 2008 during my way to the train station. I took a short-cut route, having a not so well maintain road where lots of road patrons used as their daily path to work. It’s been my daily route too as to cut down time taken to the station. As usual, I ride my not shiny coz of rain and dust black scooter, straight to my destination, until the time when the incident that had made me thanked the God for His blessing happened. I was in the tunnel at the time when I saw a 5-tonne lorry was going to make a right turn from a junction on my left. It didn’t took me to speed up as the driver should wait till the road is clear in order to make the turn and it is day time. I don’t think vision would be a problem. In fact, I wouldn’t expect for anything to happen as to focus on my ride (coz I’m late for work). But suddenly as I’m getting closer to the junction on the left, approaching the lorry, something came out from my mind. I saw the lorry driver is maintaining his vision on his left even he is going to take a right turn. The closer I get, approaching, I just hope that the driver would change his sight to the other one. As my hope become hopeless, the driver stick on his un-thoughtful mind and by that time, I’m already in front of the lorry!! I’m just few inches from the front side of the lorry. There is also another car on the opposite side of the road so I had to manage the little space left. I even had to maneuver away for a bit in order to avoid any contact. It was a moment of truth for me as it was the closest I get and ever escape from such situation.

I’m very glad that its not happening, thankful for the escape, grateful for the driver to push his break pedal on-time while I’m inches away from being knocked out. It took me a while to realized that I had survived a moment that I wouldn’t hope to happen again..

Sigh..

Sorry!!

Surely, you heard before the Sir Elton John and British boy band Blue’s “sorry seems to be the hardest word”. Great song, nice melody and good lyrics. What does it mean by sorry seems to be the hardest word? Is it that hard? Saying “sorry”? Saying Schwarzenegger (Arnold) is harder for some of us, right? Even to spell it! But “sorry”? Is it that tough?

“Sorry seems to be the hardest word”. It’s not the word that is hard but to tag along the meaning of the word is hard; for some people for sure. And why is it so damn hard? Is it that difficult to express or say that you’re “sorry”?

Ego is the issue here. Hahaha. The ego has landed! Yes, it’s right that nobody can live without ego. Ego is the one that shaped us, to be who you are. Everybody has his or her own. Maybe they want to stand firm, on their decision or action. Fighting for their own right, staying on their answer. “I’m a man of my words” some would say. But “sorry”? Is it by saying “sorry”, that your ego will fly away? That you are no longer a man? Says who? And some even thought that once you apologize, you are defeated! Again, says who? The same goes to the ladies. This kind of mindset has need to be change my friend. I am not saying that say sorry for whatever happens. What I do mean is once you feel that you’re not on the right side (not saying you’re wrong eh), do feel and say sorry. By saying “sorry” doesn’t always mean that you’re wrong, maybe you’re showing your respect; to the elders for example. People wont call you sissy if you apologize. People who aren’t saying are the one! “Sorry” even could make one’s anger subsided. So, say it, before it’s too late!!

And don’t say it just for the sake of saying it. If you don’t mean it, better not! I remember a dialog from a sitcom I previously watched, saying, “you don’t have to feel sorry to say sorry”. Hahahaha. My personal advice, don’t do that. Unless you have a really good reason for that!

Going to the extent of further front, the situation where saying “sorry” has been the staple from your mouth. Again, not good. So what am I saying here? Some would question me, “What you mean by that? Earlier you urge people say sorry and now, once we have no problem to say it, you say no good?” Is it? Nope? The key point here is ‘say it but not too much’. What would happen if it too easy to say sorry? Whatever happens, sorry. ‘Oh, its my mistakes, sorry’. Even for wrong doings. ‘Why do you beat him? -> It’s my fault, sorry’. Too easy. My point is it’s not a good practice once it became your staple word. Why? Because once it is too easy to say “sorry”, people will have no problem to make mistakes. They tend to repeat them again and again, and why is that happening? Because saying “sorry” isn’t that hard anymore, regardless by their mean or not. I’m so sorry for your “sorry”. Later maybe Sir Elton can remake the song with ‘sorry seems to be the easiest word’.

Hahahaha.

Sorry?

Settle Down

It’s really good to see most of my acquaintances had taken one step further. Merely 80% of them had settled down and live a married life. And the number keep on counting. A companionship life. It would be a dream of all of us to be in that extent which I highly appreciate and truly grateful when my time comes. The only matter is time. Oops! It would be a lie if it just a matter of time. Resource is the other factor.

One step ahead of me. It’s not a jealousy the reason I wrote but envy. Envy of others who gradually managed to do so and yet I’m happy for them too. They are my friends! But why do I feel that I’m not ready? It’s not that I don’t wanna but uncertainty is what clouding my sky. The feeling of whether I am ready or not, could I be able going through this fixed companion life, or even my potential companion is ready or not? I can be sure that I am ready, but in term of what? Age? Check! Willingness? Check! Resources? Uncheck!! I wonder how could I ever surmount the idea of “resourceless” and go forward trailing my buddies whom each day took greater steps and challenges in life. I’ve wasted nearly a half year with nothing, just living with a bad decision which led me to more uncertainties and pointless. And now I should gear up and rev up as well as to get up from my last drop spot.

And resource is not the only matter as time continues, ticking and ticking. Leaving a buzzy sound through my ears. Time won’t come back, and I ain’t getting younger and younger though. What past is past, and future ahead is what to ask. Is it gonna last with a blast? Or just another setback and I bleed again? That’s just a question that I couldn’t answer now. All I want is to focus and giving my best shot! I had been given a target. It’s not really a target but more to warning or reminder (just to make it sound better). 2 years from now is the max. Not because I couldn’t wait for another 2 years but whether I’m ready with everything within 2 years. Mentally for the idea and concept of settling down can be shaped in that time frame but materially? That’s my biggest concern; my greatest fear at the moment. Either I come up with sum of resources or I’ll loose everything; potential companion to share life with and another reason to live.

It sound and look easy. Just plan and execute! But as I’m just gearing up, a later concern of my credibility and qualification on executing my current required tasks came up! Just to realize that there are some more to be done. Some extras to be add. Furthering and learning because later the education of others is what matter. As the “interruption” would somewhat affect my process of resource collection, I wonder whether the time frame is enough or I just gonna wasting my life again then. It’s been a hard time for me. It’s not the matter of choosing between two options but how am I gonna stick attached these two with me and carry them over. Hope for the strength and prayers to the Almighty will help because I don’t want it to be a burden but more to a loads of lifetime challenges which gonna test my courage and determination.

Help, someone?

3 MAGIC WORDS

3 magic words. It’s not 'I love you'. Yes, ‘I love you’ does sound magical and proven throughout the world that it is the 3 magic words. But ILY is just an expression, to inform to someone of how we feel. There are words that could be more magical than ILY which are Trust, Honest and Tolerance (THT).

These are 3 simple terms yet vital in a relationship. Without these 3 major points, ‘togetherness’ is hard to achieve. It’s not saying that it can’t but these 3 are the keys for a grateful extension in a relationship. These are the fundamental in a relationship. ILY is an expression but THT is the one that will take the relationship to the extent which you mostly desired.

Trust. What is trust? Trust is to believe in each other. How do you trust others @ your partner? How do you get their trust? You can’t just simply ask someone to trust you. Trust can’t be bought, trust earn. And how do we earn this trust? I don’t know how but it will come to you. My suggestion, you have to trust your partner first. For whatever he/she did, you should trust them. You start first then the trust will come back to you. “One came first before two”. Then you’ll reach the objective of trusting each other. There should neither be suspicion nor doubt on them. There should be no thought of what are they doing behind your back, who do they meet, or where do they go while you are not around. These are some negative thoughts that could ruin the trust. These are some mindset that shouldn’t be in you or you just made trust aren’t possible.

Honest. Without honesty, a relationship is just full of lies. Be honest, not just to yourself but to your partner too. Tell them who you are and what do you want. Deal only with the truth. Be truth to yourself. If you don’t want to lie to others, first don’t lie to yourself. The main point here is to be who you are. The real you. Be honest.

Tolerance. Tolerate with your partner. Be considerate with your partner. Give and take. “What you give you get back” so don’t you worry of being the only who just give and didn’t get any. Remember, this world is not made just for you, but them too. You’re not the only who has needs and wants. Your partner may have their own thought, their own ways, and their own wishes. Or even own time and spaces. Respect their territory and tolerate with them. It’s not all about you so start sharing!

Above all matters, it is easy to say than it to be done. But it worth the effort. These magical words objective can’t be achieve if only you who perform. “It takes two”. Both parties should play their role. “There’ll be no sound if you clap by one hand”. Work hand-in-hand, together to achieve the goals. THT, it’s all what you need!

what to do?

Being in a period that most people are trying to avoid from had taught me much in life. Living in this challenging world, this is the condition I wouldn’t expect to ever happen to a person like me who couldn’t hope that much.

It is the time when you are not dependable with and hopeless; a period of realizing myself, getting to know myself and to reexamine of my past mistakes and wrong-doings. Did I choose the right things to do? Am I on the right side? Will I learn something valuable from all this and does it gonna benefit me or others? These are simple questions that I don’t have and couldn’t answer.

I left something behind. In fact, I’d most probably left everything behind, and I’m not even moving forward. I left the part that I hate the most, the part where I’m doing something that I dislike but just giving them a favor. But there is also some part of my life that I loved the most, the love of my life, the one that I want to keep and cherish all my life was unintentionally departed too.

Confused. That’s the most suitable word which can describe me at the moment. Am I gonna answer those simple questions above? I don’t know. What I do know now is I have to do something here. I can’t just sit and do nothing. If I’m not going to answer those questions of what had happened, then I have to start thinking of what am I going to do with that. I should and I would. It’s just the matter of time. What’s actually I need to start with? Well, I’ve to start with looking and finding a job!!

words of wisdom

There is no such subject in any school curricular would teach about this(correct me if i'm wrong), but most of us been living with it in our entire life.We've heard of these words of wisdom. There are lots of it (just name it!). One of my favourite is "if you wanna, you gonna"(-T..hahaha). It sound quite straight foward. Personally for me its mean u gotta go for whatever you want in your life. You wanna you better. No matter how hard you're going to but as long as you want to achieve them you gotta be determined. The most determined as you wanna and someday you might get it(hopefully, wish you goodluck!). My another long time favourite is "think before you act". You might heard it before eh? Short and sharp. Applicable to everything. Whatever you wanna do or say,you better have some thought first. Right or wrong? Do it or not? Think first. But don't take too long to think of what to say or others will thought that you're retarded.

And whats the great deal of these words of wisdom? Its true that most of them are sort of kinda good stuff @ positive @ nice ideas @ brilliant (whats the point of calling it words of WISDOM right?) But do we use it in our life? Are we really up to these wisdom? If we do why there is still people made mistakes? Why do there are still others who felt 'missing out of life'? Meaning, not all apply these wisdom in their life.

"life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you gonna get..."(-forest gump). Yes, its true. You never know whats gonna happen, but what are you gonna do with it? Living and just wondering? Or you look for the answer? One of my lecturer from university says "you know what you know, you don't know what you don't know, it is good to know what you know and it is good to know that you don't know rather than you don't know that you don't know(you might be in danger)". Sound complicated?(hehehe). Its not the words that we are looking here but the meaning of it and how we interpret and apply them in our life. Words of wisdom would just be words of boredom if we just listen and ignore them.

So what's your words of wisdom?

loves kicked n kick back - glory days 2006

everything seem so nice n bright
through all the pitchy night
it seems i ain't need a light
which suddenly i discovered
something which i can't imagined might

the sunshine which light my day
just gone on a windy rain
slowly took my day
into an uncertain grey
i can only wait n pray

the sooner the longer the wait
till it become a painful faith
starting to ease me away
from my glorious day
how should I know how long does it takes?
to get back my day
bring me up again
higher than the mountain
and ease away the pain
and how long can i survive?
with this feeling of unsecured
whether glory or sadness
still the uncertain remains..

feeling like to break away
from this un-joyful pain
which struck into my heart
and leave me bled in the mud
but whether i have the might
with this hopeless strength
to switch from dark to bright
I’m just an ordinary creature
that got nothing that so pure
that somehow can cure
a broken heart..

a joyful era had come to an end
which I never knew when its gonna come
back to me
back as it should
the place where its belong

suddenly i realized
what had i done that wasn't wise
to just leave it and become a follower
which had made me lower and lower
as the sweets now had become sour

i shouldn't be wandering around
waiting and doing nothing
at least i should do something
to ease everything
avoiding from loosing
for the only thing..

but now i do realized
that i'm the unwanted civilized
the days goes by.. high and high
glory days glory days
how it passed and be in history
and leave me down here in misery
glory days glory days
how the clouds took you away
without a sound now you've gone
with this hopeless guts

now you leave me alone
…?

i must move on from the present
to shout out my inner from the silence
to face the future which i hope is bright
and stay stronger with His might..
i must start from now before its too late
before i die and put it as fate
…
the past the time my sunshine gone
but now's the time the twist should come..
...?!!?
the twist had twisted
as my hope become wasted
the journey had come to its end
where everything will stop
with no shaking hands
i must accept my defeat
'coz there's no space for me to fit
to step back in a battle that nothing i had achieved
to go back and realized
world is full of truth and lies
it’s like playing with your own life dice
it will take you slice by slice
but what had been taught in the real life??
glory days wasn't meant for unwanted civilized
....?
to hell with the others!
who's damn and so do the fuckers
they shall die with the heat
the flame that burn from their feet
as the same goes to my defeat
as those days had gone by
i'm still gonna live foe a new 'hi'
glory comes glory goes
with now i had nothing to lose
so what's with the past
so so knew that nothing would last
there's no need to be ask
desire with lust
...
the next will be the day i shall wait
the day with new hope
no need of freaking bait
as the light i had seen
shining from distance
gonna lick 'em clean
gonna knock 'em silence..

A Decade of War

First 2 years without a word
Being the clown
To be watched to be heard
With no space to be hurt
Just proud to be in the herd
Away from dirt
The first not the third
…
The last year the time everything started
From zero to hero
There’s something to be expected
Just wondering how it’ll lasted
…
People said expect the unexpected
Without a dialog a story being created
As the glory is going to be tasted
The thought where nothing gonna be wasted
…
They said I wasn’t tall
They thought I was too small
But who’s been picked after all
The boy with his ball (hahaha)
…
Never crossed my empty crazy mind
To feel the love something hard to find
The truth of said how love is blind
Yes it does
Hope it last
Promise to trust
It was a blast
…
As each word said
As promise been made
It was an honor
I’m no more a loner
Guess what I’m gonna
Do as I wanna
…
But as sudden
The war been brought to the southern
Away from the base
Which might not to be traced
As a disconnection is going to be taste
…
The distance that kept
Wasn’t there to help
As I’m being trapped
Help?
…
As the strength become hopeless
I would burst
Rather than thirst
Neither being the last nor the first
…

Separation then made the decision
As no more calculation for a conclusion
Asking to stop before the station
As the thunder had stunned the sensation
…
I am being tamed
For the love of the game
Nothing gonna be the same
Nothing on my hall of fame
There was no name
There was no one to be blame
Stick attached on my wall of shame
…
Not to forfeit
But to accept the defeat
Have to use my own feet
Working on my own feed
No more deed
Will be no more treat
As the cold become heat
No mean for any beat
…
How fast the time passed

As I grew older
The phases I went through
And made me wiser and balder
The life luggage with lots of loads
For the future until the next episode…

The Pursuit of Happiness

Happiness. What is happiness? What is happy? How to be happy? How can you get it? A great length of laugh? I don’t think so. Pronounced as \'ha-pē-nəs \, it may be translated as an obsolete: good fortune: prosperity: a state of well-being and contentment: joy: a pleasurable or satisfying experience. Any one of those crossed or your mind? Or never thought of that? Everybody has their own understanding on what is ‘happiness’ to them. It may be one of the above or may be others. Sadly, you will never realize until you lost them.

So, what’s the great deal with this happiness? Can it be achieved? Can someone get it or can everybody get it?

I have tasted it, once. The feelings which cannot be imagine. It is like you live in the other world, where there’s nothing could ruin or take it from you. There was no problem, difficulties, setbacks or even a scratch throughout my moment of glory. Everything was as a rich taste of chocolates, or running through a garden of flowers with it scents could create a smile on your face. It’s like heaven with full of angels and inevitable hopes had come, on banded knee pleading for your present. To get and to feel “it”, something that you ever imagined you would get; something that you will cherish your entire life, something that would pleasure every single minute that counts in your life. It was incredible! The feeling was phenomenal! It’s was a mind-blowing time for someone who could never ever dream to taste the great feeling of “it”; the time which I wouldn’t ever trade for nothing else in this world. Joy and laughter had filled my empty and thirst of glory life, love and passion had becomes the air that I breed. What a wonderful, great phase of my life!

I have done some thinking of these happy thought, how happy I have been, how happy I want to be, and the most important thing is on how am I going to prolong this feeling; the extension that I would love to be in. For the first time of my life, I had a thought. It does not mean that I had never thought before but this is different. Suddenly I realized that I have been thinking about my future! Something that wasn’t me! (Hehehe) Then, what the heck? Something that certainly would benefit me and it’s good for me, right? The thinking part starts. The future looks brighter than ever with numerous plans which hoped to be achieved. Never cross my mind to ever dream about the future ahead me. Well, what’s going to happen? How it’s going to happen? What should I do? How should I do? These questions start playing in my head. Few strategies planned and just waiting to be execute. And I am glad that it happened.